Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
