she smelled like a LAN party
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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