The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i don't like sucking hair
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
