Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
