& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
