I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
