I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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