somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
