It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Hippo gnu deer
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There's always time for handjobs
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
