Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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