you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize