Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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