Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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