We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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