Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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