Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
