Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
