life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Can Purell be used as lube?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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