Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Are we still banned from the library?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
