I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
