Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
