Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Vodka?
Forever.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
