Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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