im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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