clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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