Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
