dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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