I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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