I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
