no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
