the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
why do cheetos always look like penises
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
