we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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