guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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