he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize