Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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