I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
