The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I supernannyed him into submission
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize