guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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