the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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