This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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