I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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