we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
