why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
