I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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