u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
