Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
