How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
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