happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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