you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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