Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
