I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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