my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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