I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
