Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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