Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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