You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
