i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
