The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
