Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize