I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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